Time well spent

Urghh.. It has been so long since my last post. I don’t even remember the last thing I wrote. But, it’s time to write again.

I’ve been busy. Busy between trying to do what I’ve promised to do and also procrastinating in between. I took the courage to get out of that situation where, although I’m capable of doing what I need to do, I can’t commit to. The stress of needing to deliver something every single day is so hard on me that I need to take a couple of hours to procrastinate just to release the tension.

Not to confuse you any further, here is the full story. I agreed to help a start up project by my 2 not too close friends from my previous company. Just before I quit my previous job last November, these 2 friends of mine came to me and share with me their idea and wanted me to help them. Me, knowing myself better than anyone in this world, rejected it because I know that I’m not gonna be able to commit and the whole thing will just lead me back to my depression again.

Few months later, I’m happy with my job and live is fine. They showed up again at my door and ask me if can help on a task basis. As in, they will pay me to do certain task. I don’t like money, so I rejected. But as a friend, I pity them for not having a programmer in the team. I can’t help but fall into the same trap as thinking that “this time is different”. So, I agreed to join their small team and start developing for them.

Few weeks later, I felt that burden over me so heavy that I don’t feel like going home ever again. Because every second I spent on doing things I love to do, I have this guilt that I need to do the project instead. At the end, I tell them that I can’t do it anymore and I just happen to do whatever I can help and runaway.

I didn’t ask for any money for what I’ve helped. I still feel guilty for letting them down. But for my own good sake, I should really just let it be. And to remind myself to never ever agree to help on this kind of thing ever again.

Thinking back to the time where I have this project on my shoulder, I really have no motivation to write at all. It looks like all my energies are drained in the projects and also in the time between that where I think that I need to get a life.

I was so busy. I feel like I don’t have enough time for anything. But when I’m done with the project, I totally freak out for the free time I’ve got back. I have so many free time now that I started to get bored again. That’s when I started to think of writing again.

And here I am, writing again.

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