I’m afraid of the future

I’m afraid that 3 years later, I will be a totally different person than I am now. I am afraid that I will become someone that I loathed so much. I’m afraid that my depression will end and I will be as ignorant as everybody else, a troop of sheep following the black one.

If I were to write something today, I will write about being depressed and how I view the world from my depressed point of view. But for the sake of argument, I will write as if I’m 3 years older. And I will still write about depression, but to write about it from the eyes of a person who survived depression. One who finally found something worth living for. One who loves things that he used to hate so much.

(Warp-speed ahead. 3 years later …)

It looks like it has really been a while since my last post. A year or so. But. I think I’m going to stop writing. There seems to be nothing left to say because I’m healthy now. All the things that I pour out onto this blog is the side effect of my depression. I felt lonely, I felt unworthy, so I complained about life. I complained on how this life is just a short useless moment in the continuum of the time, and our existence is just a very small friction that doesn’t matter at all.

But things has changed now. I found love. Not just the love of being alone, I finally understand why human connection matter. I learned to love my father when it’s too late. Now I miss him so much that I wish I had been healthy and I could love him like I will now. But I’m not depressed. I just miss him. I also learned to accept love from other people. I’ve stop from running away.

But looking back at the things I’ve written makes me sad. As if I knew from the beginning that I will change into this awesome human being. But I wrote it so hideously, and that makes me feel disgusted with my old self. “Why would I think like that?” I asked myself. But I try to ignore it as much as I could just like how I ignored Jesus because they are all in the past. And to my own surprise, I hardly think about it anymore.

I’m engaged now, to a beautiful miss In The Future. With the married life coming along, I think I’m going to be very busy. This contributed to the reasons I will stop writing. Who needs to write when you’ve got somebody to listen to your stories everyday? and soon, we will have babies. I will name the boys based on the football players and the girls based on celebrities. And we are also working on buying a house. Settle down and live happily ever after. With the investment business going so well right now, we can shoot for the stars.

I would take this opportunity to thank all of you guys for following and reading all the nonsense that I’ve written. Without you, I won’t be here. Thank you for you love.

(…back to present time)

Oh god. I hate my future self.

One response to “I’m afraid of the future

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