Shredded armor

I hate depending on people. It’s always my top priority to make sure that whatever action I take, I don’t put a burden on another person. Especially to my family members.

Not that I have a heart of gold, but I know the price you need to pay when you reach out for help. For sure, you will drop dead if you don’t reach out, but just like the price of being alive is death itself, the price of getting out of the valley of sorrow is life. And life sucks.

Here is the moment where my life principle is contradicting itself or the algorithm fails to produce a desirable outcome. I’ve been forced into a deep valley by the social barrage where I can always climb back up anytime I want to because there are just so many hands up there waiting for me to reach out. The problem is, there is no empty spot for me to climb up by myself. The chance for me to help my self is jammed by the laws of humanity that was made to increase social interaction between each other.

This makes me realize how weak and fragile I am. And remembering we are a social being (meaning that we can’t live without each other’s help) depressed me and make me want to run away into the deep ocean and hunt like a lonely shark. Alas, this reminds me that our body itself is the product of social interactions between millions of microorganism.

And so I reached out my hand to grad the hand that is closest to me. And as soon as they get hold of me, I know that I’ll regret this. I don’t know what is on the other side of that, but that hand is surely cold and heavy. And my body weight would have been such a big burden for the person who owned that little hand. But again, the law of humanity prevents me to letting go or bury myself in that valley of disgrace, and the only way to live on is to face life.

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