I realized today that when almost everybody had left the office and I was still sitting there getting some tasks done that I didn’t really want to go home. It wasn’t because I need to get something done urgent. It wasn’t because I love my job. I do love my job, but that’s not the reason I didn’t want to go home. It is that nothing that is worth doing in this life.
I think I’ve been using my job as an excuse for me to forgot about time. Time, that dark long tunnel that nobody knows what’s at the end, scares me. That I wish that I can fall asleep on a train and waking up already at the other side of that tunnel. But there is no train. There is only a soft wind every single day that pushes me a little bit closer to the exit. When the wind stop blowing, I am left in the dark again.
What troubling me is that the wind blow so strong sometimes that it blows for days without stopping. It makes me forget that I’m in this dark tunnel of life. When it does stop, I fall hard to the ground and the darkness who was a friend now embrace me once more. Except this time, it is colder. Colder that makes this terrible feeling feels new again, as new as the first time.
People say “Life is the gap between birth and death, so make the full out of it”. But that gap is a burning lava that burns every souls that walk on it.
So I think to myself, how do I keep this wind blowing? How do I keep the spark of life burning until the end of this journey? And all the answer I get was love. But love is a trap, that leads to darker tunnels. But love is also the promise, the risk that one ought to take. But love, is to know that you are saving all the suffering until the day it explodes and hurts a thousands more. But love is worth it. At least, that’s what they’ve said.
Do you love?