It’s in the blood

I used to argue that lying is a completely forbidden thing. That was because I was a Christian. A rather dedicated one, I should say. I was so afraid to tell any lie. I just couldn’t lie. Not that I’m a terrible liar, I’m a pretty good liar indeed. It has something to do with discipline, way of life. I was walking the bible way, therefore there is no reason to lie. What did I need to lie anyway? I have nothing to hide.

But, that last statement is probably the biggest lie I’ve ever told myself. I tell lies my whole life. Who I was, what I liked, what I wanted, how I felt. So many lies. But mostly subconscious, it was rarely a conscious decision to tell a lie.

Moving on from the church boy environment, away from school and my support group, I came into the young adult student life. Still avoiding the need to tell any lie, I drift through college by accepting whatever I deserve without cheating or anything. I did well. But subconsciously still, I lied to myself all kind of lies that I couldn’t avoid. How I felt about people around me, about my field of study, to my parents, keeping others happy.

Without me realizing, that “not lying” principle was very obvious to others. When I got my first job, my boss used to say “I have an issue with telling lies”. Well, in a business, lies are inevitable. You have to lie a lot in fact. Even though you are a christian. A rather dedicated christian as well. But that was how my boss think. I was still a christian, and I didn’t want to lie.

Throughout the next few years, many different events let me to realize that I was surrounded by liars. Especially people who are close to me. Of course there are always an excuse about lying to me for my goodness sake, but the little christian discipline inside of me can’t accept that fact. I don’t like lying, and I hate liars.

If you lie to others in front of me, how can I be sure that you won’t do the same to me?

Many time when I hang out with people and there are moments where people tells “in your face” lies. Those kind of lies that I know it’s not true, but is was said so casually to a clueless third person. One good example is “oh sir, we are having a study group meetup right now” while we were actually playing game in the lab. When you see people lie to other in on your face, it’s going to be hard for you to gain the trust back. Not only on lying specifically, but on anything else like gossiping, defamation, talking behind somebody’s back.

In the past few weeks, I had started to play many board games. I realized that I am really good at lying. Especially when playing games that require lying (well, just for fun), I did very well. But it was exhausting. The energy taken to keep up lies after lies was terribly a lot. I wonder how people do it in daily basis. Looks like the little christian discipline inside of me is still shining brightly. But now I wonder how do I use my lying skill to my advantage.

The saddest part is when you realize that there is no one you can trust.

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