Fire cracking by the fireplace. I sat down with Sean on the floor next to an empty coffee table in the living room. Both of us were facing the fire. The wind was mellow, it wasn’t even winter yet. But the wind by the sea was cold. And the fire was soothing. It had that strange combination that made it unforgettable. The salty air on my skin. The hissing of the fire. The funeral.
I sat there watching Sean watching the fire. He was silent, peacefully. I wasn’t sure if I should comfort him or let him enjoy the silent. The feeling inside of me was messed up. Warmth by the fire, cooled by the sound of the waves, sadden by the misery, confused by the other side of him, the truer Sean.
I laid my back on the couch behind me, trying to enjoy the clicking of the burning woods. But I couldn’t stop thinking about the other thing that Sean had just told me. The trip to Mars. I wasn’t mad at him. I was confused. I wasn’t sure what to feel.
“I don’t feel like starting a conversation” came a soft voice of Sean “but this silence is not so enjoyable either.”
I sighed softly, didn’t move a muscle.
“I’ve never felt that I belong here. People around me care so much about me but I pushed them away, hurting them. Now that she’s gone, I felt even guiltier” continued Sean without looking away from the fire, head bowed lower “I’m always on the run, away from all this. And I’m tired. Even more than when I’m choked by all this. So tired that I don’t feel like moving anymore. Feels like I can sit here till Death call my name. Wouldn’t it be sweet?”
“Don’t say that, Sean” I started crying, I didn’t know why. I felt that my world is changing so fast that I am confused and scared. I couldn’t say any more word but cry.
Sean looked up to the ceiling, probably holding his tears, taking a deep breath.