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It put a smile on my face everytime I reread my own writings and being impressed by the things that I’ve written. I bet that is what we are, enjoying things like us. Imagine reading other people’s thought that thinks like yours, that’s probably why I like my own writing so much.

It was also a little reflection time and reminder of the memories that were often forgotten. How life has turned from exciting back to boring and full of disappointments and fear. Not to say that I hate my job, but it bores me. Sometime frightened me too. I promised myself to do some crazy stuff once in a while after coming back from Sabah and not even a month later I’m already in need of some escapes.

More extremely than ever, it’s probably that time again when self commitments are being challenged by current affairs. Like that commitment of me to keep my hair long until the end of 2015, or never to leave my current job until I found one outside of Malaysia.

There are external temptations and internal challenges. Promises that are temping your to break your commitments and events that make you sway from your commitments, doubts that hold you back. Though it shouldn’t matter at the end, commitment or not, it’s the human nature to wish for a better life. One level after another.

When we put everything together, the problems, the options, the hard works, the waiting, the wishes. It get even more confusing and complicated. I’ve once heard that “You can do whatever you wish for” and I believe that, given enough time, I can master whatever I want to master. But these promises itself possess the greater challenge and anxiety. If I can be whatever I want to be, which one is the best option? If I want to be everything I want, do I have enough time or resource?

Writing, programming, photography, philosophy, music, biology, the sky, adventure, art. Just a few of them and with endless possibilities. The greatest curse of human evolution is the consciousness and its freedom to choose. The curse of “un-happiness”.

Speaking of the word “Happiness” always reminds me of Buddha. Not sure if it’s really what he said, but Happiness is a state, not something we want. When we remove the selfness and desire, there left happiness. But, what’s the point then if self is not part of it?

Maybe being in Starbucks is one of a good escape. From my usual room where I’ve spent most of my time in. It was a great place, nice bed, air-conditioned, cozy, big screen monitor, nice music. But it scares me for being not productive at all. It scares me that I’ll never leave Malaysia for a greater adventure. I’m bored, but at the same time I’m unable to get myself out of here. I’m stuck.

So coming here is not too bad. Different settings make me more productive. Funny that the first thing that comes to my mind is to write about this. With a cup of coffee that has my name written nicely on it. In corner, people are discussing about some game of some sorts. Designing spells, characters and what not. Another corner is 2 ladies studying. And few more just walked in, doing their own stuff.

The title is still empty. I’m still confused. I’m still wishing for something. The question still linger. What would you do? I need some advices. I need help. But it probably wouldn’t matter anyway.

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