I’m dying. In fact I was dead long time ago when I was hit by a reality. A reality that I believe to be the truth. That I lived my everyday thinking of how to end this life, gracefully, for me, and especially for you.
Here is the thing though, I’ve lived, and I’m done with living. But you, the truth, the reality that you believe in is not the truth I want to live in. You often say that pain is what make us feel alive, but my truth is, live is pain. It’s funny how it is true the both ways you can say it. Pains make your life more meaningful, but at the same time if you look at it from the other side, life is all about pain.
Unfortunately, my dearest, this time it is real. I’m not dying hypothetically. I’m really dying now, biologically shutting down. I have cancer. Doctor says I have 3 months left max.
I have been silent all these years. I avoided you. I ran away from you. I thought I hated you. I thought that you are the reason I’m so miserable. I enjoyed the days and weeks of my life without any memory of you. Everytime I think of you, hurts.
But I just realized today as I am writing my last words to you, it hurts not because I hated you. It was because you are my most dearest. My unfulfilled dream. I was disappointed because I couldn’t give you what I want you to have. That I’m too ashamed of myself to even talk to you, to look at your lovely eyes. It hurts because I’m so weak that I couldn’t give you happiness. But I failed to accept that I’m your happiness, that I was the only thing you wanted.
You should know that by the time you’re reading this, I am already gone. But be assured that I was happy, not the happy that I wish I had when I was with you, but happy and ready. Isn’t this what I’ve always been looking forward to?
I’m writing you this because even in my last days, with all the desires to push you further away, I can’t run away from the truth that it hurts me to hurt you, much more than you would realize. So be happy for yourself. Find your happiness in your believe and know that I will be happy for you too.