I made this


I surprised myself sometimes. I am usually very low key, humble, low confident kind of guy, but every time I read my own blog, I’m impressed on how I actually enjoy reading them.

So does that old profile picture of mine. I drew that on a piece of paper a while ago and I put it up as a profile picture. Few weeks back when I look at it again, I’m still impressed. So I decided to turn it into a painting.

Note: it’s my first painting on a canvas. I painted a few other when I was a kid on big papers. 

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Down south to OZ

Is it just me or the last few prompt has been sad? Empty, would I want to be optimistic about this?

It could just be my current mood I guess, also because I’m listening to Damien Rice. That beautiful bastard has a heck of a collection when it comes to sad song. (hint: check out his song “The Greatest Bastard“)

I’ve moved to Melbourne just a couple of months ago and had been wanting to write about the experience about it, but I was probably too empty to make out anything until now. But somehow when I start to write, all I can think about is the past.

I guess I’ll list 10 things about melbourne that I love so far to convince myself that this is a great decision.

Currency

The money is here worth much more than the previous countries I’ve been (Malaysia and Indonesia). The tax can be crazy, but it’s still a pretty good deal. So earning Australian Dollar means more buying power and also I will have more saving to travel especially around SEA where most of my friends and family are.

Weather

I wouldn’t say I loooove the weather, but I’ve started at the wrong time. When I first got here on mid April, it was getting very cold. There were nights as cold as 8 degree Celcius. And colder nights are ahead of me. But it’s great when the sun in shining and when spring comes, it’s will just fine.

Swing Dancing

I’ve started swing dancing last year in KL and have been hooked since. It’s a type of Jazz dance and it’s a lot of fun. Compared with Salsa which is much more popular, I find Salsa is too intimate and I can’t really handle that in public.

KL has like 2 social dance event a week. So I mostly dance once a week and maybe go to classes sometimes. In Melbourne, there are at least 1 event everyday. It’s like heaven.

Service

The service here is much more expensive but it’s much better. I’m so surprised on how easy things are done here. People are very friendly and they understand that they are paid to make you feel comfortable and welcomed. And it’s probably by law that customers are protected in the best way possible.

Arts

It’s amazing how much lively this city can be. Again it sucks because it’s winter,but when the warmer and dryer wheaters come, the city will be alive with live performances on the street, painting, art shows. It’s beautiful.

Ramen

I love Ramen, and it was pretty expensive back then in KL (compared to local food). I can eat Ramen every day in here and it won’t really break my bank account. I’m spending the same amount of money for other types of food anyway.

Coffee!

It’s amazing how much coffee they drink over here. It’s pretty normal to go for coffee break a couple of times a day. I’m not a coffee addict but I do love a good cup of coffee once in awhile. Living in Melbourne means that you’ll always find a coffee shop wherever you are.

Water

You can drink from the tap, which is a luxury back home.

Bicycle

I grew up riding bikes. Having the chance of bringing that back to my life brings back tons of childhood memories. It’s a flood of nostalgia and a couple of near death moments with my bike. Can’t wait to buy a bike and explore the city with it.

Meetup

Meetup here is huge, just like Swing Dancing, there are more options and bigger community. Even though the people can be a bit colder and harder to befriend with, the fact that there are more options makes it a better chance to find friends.

I’m feeling better now. It’s true how setting our mind into positive things can bring us into better mood. But I’m addicted to sadness, what can I say.

More on the KL to Melbourne move stories to come. Let me know what you’d like to read more about. If you are in reading this in Melbourne, tell me what you like the most about this city.


Those left behind

It’s getting boring because every recent posts I’ve made starts with something about haven’t written anything for a while. So is this post.

Many things have changed. The biggest of all is that I’ve moved down south to Australia. I’d like to talk about those I’ve left behind.

I’m a cold person, trying very hard to keep it that way. I can be very friendly with people, which most often do. But I distant myself from commitments and closeness. You can say that most of my friendliness are more of matter a professionalism rather than my style.

However, there are some special people that genuinely like me ( arguable and is subject to the judgment of time ).

These special people aren’t necessarily kind or caring. But these special people are those who are willing to spend the ups and downs with me, those who cracked through my icy wall and leave me out in the open, left me vulnerable.

I miss them.

Now I’m back in my cold shell in this cold world, wandering around hoping to bump into a new special people that I can melt my frozen wall for.


Singles Awareness Day

It has been a while since my last post. It was 4 months ago and it’s time to visit the dentist again soon.

And also, it’s that day of the year again when love is in the air and all the single people are cursed to avoid the public places to avoid the shame of not having someone to spend the Valentine’s day with.

But for me, it is another excuse for me to write something again.

I’ve been going through my blogs and realised that my blog posts are really personal and honest. Things I wouldn’t have told anyone in real life. It’s a relieve to think that I have some place to talk my life through with a bunch of strangers behind this screen. But also it is so damn scary to put yourself out there like that. What if someone I know find this blog and started to read all the honest things I’ve written about them. I think it will be devastating for them.

Back to the Singles Awareness Day (S.A.D) or the Valentine’s day, there are so many ways to write about it, really. I can be positive about it, taking a chance to appreciate single lifestyle, the special day to celebrate the day by myself. Buy a piece of cake, a cup of coffee and take the time to relax and do things that I enjoy doing by myself. It’s so Introverted thing to do, but when life give you a lemon, you make something good out of it, though the “it” could be a total sour and pain in the ass, you learn to enjoy it.

Another way to talk about it is through rage. Really just the opposite way of the above. I can start complaining about the inception of it to begin with. Why would you need a holiday based on something so freaking sad. As if you’re celebrating the death of newborns, bully day, and what not.

“Ok, take a deep breath, cool down.” said the voice in my head. Well, all of these are voices in my head as I type it. “Stop it, stop typing every single thing that I say”, or was I typing what I was thinking or am I reading my words out back to my mind that created the word to start with? *mind blown*

The third way of talking about the S.A.D day is through consolation, like you’re talking to a Shrink. If you are single, it’s the perfect day to find someone. There are plenty of events in the town designed for single people during the V’s day. Go mingle and maybe you’ll meet someone. Or maybe you can think of it in the good way, like saving the money that you’d have spent on a stupid valentine dinner or buying some stupid flowers that die the next day.

Well, I’ve said what I wanted to say. Let’s call it a day.

Oh and lastly, don’t feel too bad if you’re single on Valentine’s day. It’s just another day and you should feel bad everyday instead.


First Dentist Experience

I grew up in a small town where most of the people I know have fake teeth. Often I followed some of these people to the dentist and indirectly interacted with the dentists. I remember how distinctive the smell of every single dentist office I’ve been to. In my family itself, 5 out of 6 of my sisters have detachable teeth. My mother often carry her teeth in a plastic pouch filled with water. Yet, in my 27 years of life, I’ve never been the patient until today.

My dental plaque had been accumulated since the early development of my adult sets of teeth and recently has been getting extra attention after a friend of mine mentioned it. It’s hard to find a dentist in where I live until recently. So I’ve made up my mind a few weeks ago to get the plaques cleaned. Still, I was battling with busy schedule and work.

When I finally find the time to do it, it was today. As I walked into the dental clinic, the awkward encounter begins.

The first awkward encounter is the question “How can I help you?” question. I answered with “removing my plaques”. The nurses (or whatever you call them) didn’t seem to understand me but requested my details anyway for registration. I gave them my IC and waited for a while. A few minutes later, a nurse called me into the room and I couldn’t help but grinned at the idea of me lying on the dentist bed. I smiled when the dentist lowered the chair and started asking questions.

“What do you want to do?” asked the dentist.

I tried my best not to laugh, thinking about the jokes about dentist loving to talk to their patient despite their mouth being occupied with the dentist equipments. “I want to remove my plaques” I said.

Yet, the dentist still look confused, so I flashed out my teeth and point to the bottom gum where the plaques are most visible.

“Oh, scaling” confirmed the dentist. Apparently that’s what it’s called.

The procedure was very uncomfortable. Squeaky and hushing sounds of the equipments in my mouth and the effort to keep my jaw dropped for almost half an hour, with some occasional pain when the plaque is in the deeper part. And the most annoying of all is the constant flow of water sprayed to my mouth in the process where I felt like I’m drowning and trying to control my breathing from my nose only. I choked a few times and had to ask the nice dentist to give me a break.

“It’s just water” said the dentist every time I felt choked and try to clear my throat.

During the entire process, there were moments where I couldn’t do anything but lay there with a tensed up body like I was being tied to a bed and tortured. And I couldn’t help but look around emptily, trying to relax, stare funnily at the dentist and nurses, and making sure I remember to breath from my nose. I wonder, what would you do?


Telling you the truth.

I’m dying. In fact I was dead long time ago when I was hit by a reality. A reality that I believe to be the truth. That I lived my everyday thinking of how to end this life, gracefully, for me, and especially for you.

Here is the thing though, I’ve lived, and I’m done with living. But you, the truth, the reality that you believe in is not the truth I want to live in. You often say that pain is what make us feel alive, but my truth is, live is pain. It’s funny how it is true the both ways you can say it. Pains make your life more meaningful, but at the same time if you look at it from the other side, life is all about pain.

Unfortunately, my dearest, this time it is real. I’m not dying hypothetically. I’m really dying now, biologically shutting down. I have cancer. Doctor says I have 3 months left max.

I have been silent all these years. I avoided you. I ran away from you. I thought I hated you. I thought that you are the reason I’m so miserable. I enjoyed the days and weeks of my life without any memory of you. Everytime I think of you, hurts.

But I just realized today as I am writing my last words to you, it hurts not because I hated you. It was because you are my most dearest. My unfulfilled dream. I was disappointed because I couldn’t give you what I want you to have. That I’m too ashamed of myself to even talk to you, to look at your lovely eyes. It hurts because I’m so weak that I couldn’t give you happiness. But I failed to accept that I’m your happiness, that I was the only thing you wanted.

You should know that by the time you’re reading this, I am already gone. But be assured that I was happy, not the happy that I wish I had when I was with you, but happy and ready. Isn’t this what I’ve always been looking forward to?

I’m writing you this because even in my last days, with all the desires to push you further away, I can’t run away from the truth that it hurts me to hurt you, much more than you would realize. So be happy for yourself. Find your happiness in your believe and know that I will be happy for you too.

Good bye.


I saw my past passed through the window.

i’m at Starbucks right now and I’m seated quite far from any window. But I have the window to my soul opened up and I’m seated just right next to it.

So I glanced through this window and I saw the future, the future that I’m excited about, the future that I want to talk about. But none of this make sense because it might or might not happen. So I glanced to the other side, to the past. I saw my past replayed in front of me. Every single memory that pushed me to where I am now, and all the others that are pushing me to keep moving, and to fight for the future that I wish I have.

But they aren’t pleasant memories. There are hatreds, pains, and regrets. There are chains and unfortunate coincidences that bound me to where I am now, that keep telling me that I should not go anywhere but here, my duty as a human being is to stay, to serve the bigger purpose that I am born into, that I am created for.

In the other hand, these memories push the rebellious part of me to fight for freedom. Though I’m afraid, useless and unworthy because the whole world seems to be against me, I’m willing to take my chance in screaming the hell out of my breath in the middle of nowhere wishing that somebody for some insane coincident will hear my voice and raise me up to the altar of dreams.

Suddenly the future flashed by again and all the guilts came back to me. It reminded me that I will be that cruel heartless human being that abandoned everything to pursue the selfish happiness. The guy who cares nothing else but himself. The one man that left his duty as a son. The betrayer of trust, the cold hearted man.

So what? I will be happy by then. Though I know that kind of happiness is temporary, I’m willing to pursue that. Though it will only last for a short time of my existence, I’m willing to be that jerk and fulfil my humanly dream. Because that’s what life is, to pursue that temporary little joys over and over again until Death find us. Then, there will be pure joy, and there will be nothingness, there will be no pain left to suffer.