Telling you the truth.

I’m dying. In fact I was dead long time ago when I was hit by a reality. A reality that I believe to be the truth. That I lived my everyday thinking of how to end this life, gracefully, for me, and especially for you.

Here is the thing though, I’ve lived, and I’m done with living. But you, the truth, the reality that you believe in is not the truth I want to live in. You often say that pain is what make us feel alive, but my truth is, live is pain. It’s funny how it is true the both ways you can say it. Pains make your life more meaningful, but at the same time if you look at it from the other side, life is all about pain.

Unfortunately, my dearest, this time it is real. I’m not dying hypothetically. I’m really dying now, biologically shutting down. I have cancer. Doctor says I have 3 months left max.

I have been silent all these years. I avoided you. I ran away from you. I thought I hated you. I thought that you are the reason I’m so miserable. I enjoyed the days and weeks of my life without any memory of you. Everytime I think of you, hurts.

But I just realized today as I am writing my last words to you, it hurts not because I hated you. It was because you are my most dearest. My unfulfilled dream. I was disappointed because I couldn’t give you what I want you to have. That I’m too ashamed of myself to even talk to you, to look at your lovely eyes. It hurts because I’m so weak that I couldn’t give you happiness. But I failed to accept that I’m your happiness, that I was the only thing you wanted.

You should know that by the time you’re reading this, I am already gone. But be assured that I was happy, not the happy that I wish I had when I was with you, but happy and ready. Isn’t this what I’ve always been looking forward to?

I’m writing you this because even in my last days, with all the desires to push you further away, I can’t run away from the truth that it hurts me to hurt you, much more than you would realize. So be happy for yourself. Find your happiness in your believe and know that I will be happy for you too.

Good bye.


I saw my past passed through the window.

i’m at Starbucks right now and I’m seated quite far from any window. But I have the window to my soul opened up and I’m seated just right next to it.

So I glanced through this window and I saw the future, the future that I’m excited about, the future that I want to talk about. But none of this make sense because it might or might not happen. So I glanced to the other side, to the past. I saw my past replayed in front of me. Every single memory that pushed me to where I am now, and all the others that are pushing me to keep moving, and to fight for the future that I wish I have.

But they aren’t pleasant memories. There are hatreds, pains, and regrets. There are chains and unfortunate coincidences that bound me to where I am now, that keep telling me that I should not go anywhere but here, my duty as a human being is to stay, to serve the bigger purpose that I am born into, that I am created for.

In the other hand, these memories push the rebellious part of me to fight for freedom. Though I’m afraid, useless and unworthy because the whole world seems to be against me, I’m willing to take my chance in screaming the hell out of my breath in the middle of nowhere wishing that somebody for some insane coincident will hear my voice and raise me up to the altar of dreams.

Suddenly the future flashed by again and all the guilts came back to me. It reminded me that I will be that cruel heartless human being that abandoned everything to pursue the selfish happiness. The guy who cares nothing else but himself. The one man that left his duty as a son. The betrayer of trust, the cold hearted man.

So what? I will be happy by then. Though I know that kind of happiness is temporary, I’m willing to pursue that. Though it will only last for a short time of my existence, I’m willing to be that jerk and fulfil my humanly dream. Because that’s what life is, to pursue that temporary little joys over and over again until Death find us. Then, there will be pure joy, and there will be nothingness, there will be no pain left to suffer.


The trending problem

We recently have a new addition to our already too big family. Actually it’s not too new, he is almost 3 years old.

The problem is, most of my siblings are already in their late 30s to 40s. Naturally a lot of my family members are pretty grown-up, including my nephews and nieces.

This 3 years old boy was surrounded by grown-ups who gave so much attention to him alone. He tuned out to be a total badass in the family. One of his special rights was biting and pinching the grown-ups playfully and getting away with it. One day, this pampered little gem was brought to visit his grown-up relatives who live a few countries away. The boy was very welcomed by everybody. But being such a naughty boy he was, the grown-up couldn’t help but to comment on his naughtiness. So erupted a trending problem that has been retold over and over again for the past few days. And it goes something like this:

Grandma: “I’m so disappointed at my grown-up grandson for commenting that we are being such a bad parents.”

(The boy lives very near to his grandma)

Mother: “I know right, he is just a little boy. Furthermore, he thought they were just playing.”

Grandpa: “Bob (The grown-up grandson) threatened to cut off baby boy’s hands if he didn’t stop pinching people. Bob’s sister was even worst, she was the one who started the pinching game. Baby boy didn’t know how to control his strength yet, he didn’t know that he was hurting his cousins”

Mother’s brother: *too lazy to contribute in the conversation but couldn’t stop himself from writing about it*

The whole drama made me think of the basic of parenting. My parents weren’t really kind to my siblings to start with. Surely they love their children, but the stories my siblings told were not always the cheerful ones. Perhaps they were too busy working and surviving. But when they are taking care of their grandchildren, they turned so protective of them, even against their own children and grandchildren.

Also when drama involves parents and their children because of their grandchildrens, it’s awkward.

And for me, it’s just another reason not to reproduce.


Delusion

Jane sat in her bed, alone, trying not to care too much of what people had been so happy about, the news, about something, somewhere out there, far away.

Jane sat there because she understood. Her friends, her family members, some random strangers, they all were celebrating for something that didn’t matter, or will ever. While some were complaining, cursing the air.

Earlier in the morning, the news had broken out that the World’s Wealthiest Country Association had approved the use of EE24 to give their citizens a higher chance in surviving the coming global extinction phase.

EE24, shorts for Evolution Enhancer 24, was the 24th generation and the first “stable” version of the EE technologies developed by world top scientists in preparation of the predicted catastrophe triggered by the historical Global Earthquake that had turned the world upside down.

The Earthquake had moved the Earth so much from the original form. Mountains were broken into islands, new lands formed out of the sea, and most importantly, the Earthquake had broken some major Methane deposits on Earth, slowly releasing these Methanes to the air. The air was slowly thickened in Methane and Carbon Dioxide. It’s only a matter of time when the air become completed unbreathable.

However, the uses and development of EE had been always on controversial debates. Some believed that to be unethical to play God, and some believed that it was the reason God sent the Earthquake and will wipe out Human Race if we didn’t stop. Some believed that evolution shouldn’t be artificially interfered. But for those who believed it to be the only chance of surviving the next catastrophe continued in supporting the cause.

EE24 had been proven over and over again both on animal testing and human to be effective in transforming our biology to be able to survive in Methane concentrated environments.

Jane sat on her bed with her oxygen mask on, dreaming that she would be able to take it off. Her friends’ thought bubbles float around her overhead display projected from her mobile that was attached to her glasses. “Finally, we will survive” say her neighbour, few houses away from her, not rationalizing the fact the it was never legal in where they are residing, and never would be in the near future. “Shame on you people, God’s wrath is over your sins”, said another friend.

“So what, my friends? so what?” thought Jane to herself. “We are doomed to death and suffering”


Melbourne’s Winter

Are you dreaming of a White Christmas? You can’t, because you’re in Melbourne, Australia. And Christmas is in Summer where the heat wave rolls and the temperature shoot up to 40 degrees Celsius.

Not only that Christmas fall on Summer, their Winter will not get too cold anyway. But somehow this year has been a very cold winter when I was there.

IMG_3468

It was the last week of Autumn when I landed in Melbourne. The weather was great, windy with a bit of rain now and then. The rain was never too much, just drizzling I’ll say. But it’s always great to walk in a cool late Autumn than a hot never ending summer of Kuala Lumpur.

Melbourne was as lively as usual in the day with people, performances, and musics on the streets. Especially on the city area. With the backdrop of Autumn, the lively people looks even more cheerful.

IMG_3476

IMG_3475

IMG_3487IMG_3502

A week pass by and I could see the season changed in front of my eyes. The drier Melbourne suddenly rained for days and night. The temperature shot down to 5 degrees Celsius and the rain was constant. I could hear the dripping rain all night long when I slept. But the good thing about the rain in Melbourne is that it didn’t get too wet. My jacket got wet for a while and when I got back to the room somehow the jacket is dried back.

Unfortunately, I’ve picked the worst time to visit the Twelve Apostles. The journey on the Great Ocean Road is so gloomy and wet and freezing. But there was a point where we reached Apollo Bay where it was sunny. Then there was this joke that Melbourne people like to tell, “If you don’t like the weather now, just wait for 10 minutes”. It described how the weather can change from hot sunny day to a cold rainy winter.

IMG_3663 IMG_3661

And then, it started to rain again. And it rained the whole time I was near the Twelve Apostles. Imaging the cold 5 degree Celsius with the strong wind of the Southern and Indian oceans.

IMG_3701 IMG_3749

Despite its cold and and wet weather, I would have to say that it was an amazing experience.

So long, Melbourne. Till my next visit if I ever visit you again.


Wake up in Melbourne

It’s both exciting and worrisome that I’m flying to Melbourne in less than 12 hours from now. It’s going to be a midnight flight and I’ll arrive in the morning cold of Melbourne Fall.

Every time I’m flying I will have this anxiety attack where I worry that I get the flight details wrong. Fear that I might have mistaken the flight date or time. Last night I went to sleep wondering if i’ve already missed my flight and that my flight was last night. I can’t help to repetitively check my booking confirmation details over and over again to make sure that the printed date is not today. And also not to forget to check my phone for what exactly is today’s date. I bet my OCD is getting worse.

Now that I’ve almost packed and ready, and my flight is approximately ten hours from now, I’m bound to a very limited option of activities in between. Probably I should go out and kill some time in Starbucks. Maybe I should take a nap. Maybe I should go watch a movie. But maybe I will miss my flight.

Well, you know I ended up writing this post and hope that it can kill sufficient time but not too much until I miss my flight. I probably ended up in the airport 3 hours too early for check-in while reading some books.

Enough of the post-travel anxiety, let’s focus on the destination. It’s yet another business trip. It means that I’ll be in the office Monday to Friday,  9am to 5pm. Being my second visit to Melbourne and being a very urban city, I’m sure it’s going to be boring again. Well, my previous trip wasn’t too bad. The city is lively and everywhere you go you see celebrations. But I’m a little worry this time because I’m going alone. Being alone in a city is probably a pretty bad idea in the Autumn nights.

Put that aside, I’m so very excited to spend all my Australian coins that are so freaking huge and heavy. I’m so going to spend all the coins and will never ever bring back any coins from Australia anymore.

I’m also very exciting to visit the Great Ocean Road. It’s going to be cold I guess and many people had been warning me about the cold weather in Melbourne right now. I’m kind of well prepared, I hope I bring enough cloths.

What else can I do? Any interesting you’d love to do in Melbourne? Comment below!

Also, stay tuned for more updates from Melbourne.


My New Starbucks Sunday Routine

Since I’ve bought a Macbook Air that is totally compact and portable, I’ve decided to go out more instead of stationing it in my room. One is that it will be totally underutilized. Second is that it’s not powerful enough for my gaming need.

So I decided one Sunday that I should bring it to the nearby Starbucks and hope to get more productivity with that kind of Starbucky environment, dimmer lights, nice coffee tables, music, real life human noises. Soon enough, it became a routine.

I started my Sunday sleeping late, get ready for lunch around 11am, and leave for lunch. I go to the same lunch place I usually go on Sunday, I have my quick lunch and drive to the Starbucks.

Straight to the counter, the barista will greet me and asks what I would like to order. I order my Iced Coffee Late, grande, less sweet. He took a cup and start writing something on the cup. H e then asks me for my name, and I will tell him my name. I give him my Starbucks card, then I wait. A minute later he will hand me back my card with the receipt. I proceed to the waiting area and wait for name to be called. I take my coffee, walk away while scanning for empty tables, and scanning for interesting people. One woman with a book sits next to the main door, a student looking man sits next to her table with a computer. I walk on, scanning for people who are scanning at me. And I decide where to sit.

Best place to sit is always the corner area. ones with a wall behind me preventing people to stare at my computer screen, and a wide angle view in front of me for further scanning of interesting people’s activities.

Once I’m seated I take out my Macbook Air and start planning on what to do. Today, I decided to write something first, because my routine has not became a boring activity yet, but It’s still so new that it put a smile in my face.