The affordability of risk taking.

I’m not a risk taker. I’ve never really been one. Unless I’m in a video game world, or interviewing for a new job, or trying a new food.

This morning I was put in a situation where taking risk is to be considered. I was driving with my friends out for lunch where we were stuck in the parking lot waiting for the next car to take its right turn while it was also waiting for the car in front of it which was waiting for a driver to load his groceries so he could drive away so it can park.

You probably got confused there, but it isn’t very important.

The important part is that I was happily waiting while my friend who was in the passenger seat asked me to overtake the car in front of me. There was a gap between the car in front of me and the wall on my left that was wide enough for my car to go through. I didn’t want to take the risk even though I was pretty confident that I could pass. But my friend assured me that it has enough space.

What’s happening in my mind is this calculations of the “what ifs”. If I didn’t got though, my car will get damaged and probably the car in front of my will be damaged as well and I can’t afford to pay for the repairs. Even though I have insurance, but it still cost some form of money.

By the way, we made it through that, it was quite a big space after all.

I was thinking about this whole incident when I was driving home from work today and start thinking about all the risks that I avoided in my life. There are opportunities out there but they all cost a lot and the risk of failing is expensive. And that is also why I avoided them.

Think back about risk taking, we often say words like “You are a risk taker” or “You are not a risk taker” and it kind of become a type of personality. But today I realize that it’s not as simple as that. It’s also about the affordability. It’s not just about your tendency of taking risk. It’s about affording to live with the consequences if it goes south. If you lose all your money, what then? lose your friends, what then? lose your life?

Retrovitrarcer

Retrovitrarcer (Retro-vitr-arcer)

retro – behind

vitrum – glass

carcer – jail

This word describe the feeling of being locked behind a glass wall with the world of possibilities behind it.

Imagine that you can see the things that you want but it’s behind this glass wall. You know exactly what you want but unable to reach it. Leaving you angry, hopeless and sad. And you ended up sitting there with your head tilted to the left, listening and watching as it moves around, wishing that you can touch it, smiling as you listen its voice.

And you let it consume you, wishing that it notices you, look at you, call your name. But that thing behind this thin glass doesn’t know you, cannot see you, nor care about you. And you come back here every day, repeating what you’ve done until you get bored, and forgot about it, and find another thing behind that wall to fall in love with.

The beginning of time, which time?

First thought about the “Hindsight – Rewriting your very first post” idea is, which first post? The one I wrote when I was in high school, college, graduated, or last year, or from this blog?

Why not all? well sh**t, how do I find back my old posts?

First blog ever, or is it?

Let’s look back to 2007 where I really started writing on a blog. Apparently, unlike what I’ve remembered, it was a post with 4 photoshopped images.

http://phelio-gimae.blogspot.com/2007/08/good-to-see-this-i-just-do-everything.html

Well, not gonna rewrite that blog. But, just don’t give it too much attention please.

Looking back at that abondoned blog I have in Blogspot, I have noticed that it has been visited quite a number of times. Not to the point of “thousands of click per day”, but a few. I’ve never visited it for a long time, and the last post was from 2011, almost 4 years back. I wonder what’s going on over there. Maybe it’s time to revive it.

First post in here, the Random Post a Day

Hold on, still looking for the first post ever in this blog.

Here we go: https://pheliorandom.wordpress.com/2012/10/31/oct-30-the-eleventh-google-image-of-the-random-word-random/

And here is the re-write. But first, let me read through it again.

On a second thought after re-reading, why would I rewrite a post? that was the original, and I would love to keep it that way.

That was a post from 2 years ago. I should start celebrating the anniversaries of this blog.

Introspection

My writing style hasn’t changed much from 2 years ago since I started the daily prompt. It was a fun journey and for some random posts like this, it really hasn’t changed much.

Is it because I haven’t learned much for these 2 years of writing with Daily Prompt? or I’ve reached a stage where the learning curve has been slowed down? Either way, I believe I’ve still so much to learn. Maybe I’ve not read enough to improve?

But I bet I’ve been writing more story type posts now. I hope the journey to the first completed book should be soon now. It might take another year, maybe two. But I believe it will come true.

Oh well, what now? Keep writing folks!!

Scones, Hot Tea, Laptop and some time to kill

Vacations are supposed to be a happy thing, a short moment once in a while where time flies faster than normal days. But it doesn’t seems to be true for me. Time slows down to the point where I’m struggling to feed it with new activities. Gaming, reading, watching, movie marathon, going out, hanging out with friends. Writing.

As the cool air trying to chill me, yet the wind doesn’t want to blow, there are trees, herbs, birds and insects. And me, with my scones, a cup of hot tea, a laptop, and what not. And I keep typing, pointlessly, really. I’m not sure anymore if I still want to write about this. Is this procrastinating, or a creative moment in the making? I couldn’t be sure.

I took up my fork and cut a piece out of the one scone I’ve left, put it aside. I took some butter with the fork, dip it into the white stuff, the white stuff that I don’t remember what it’s called, and then the strawberry jam, and then poke it into the piece of scone that I’ve just cut, and ate it. And then I started writing again.

As I finished the sentence above, I took a deep breath while moving my hand to take another piece of the scone, repeating the same sequence, but I stop half way, because I’ve just thought about something to write again, this paragraph.

I took a sip of tea.

I’m thinking about writing. I’m thinking about what I want to write. I’ve never finished anything I’ve started. I’m doing alright when it comes to work stuffs. But about my own stuffs, they never get done. But I want to be serious this time. I want to finish something just for the sake of finishing it up. At least, before the departure time.

I wan’t to write about the training, I want to write about the travelling, about the excitements when I got the mail, about this world I’m leaving behind.

I’m worry. Worry that I’ll end up abandoning it again. Could it be the fact that it was terrible so I stop? if I start over again, will this work? What’s the difference this time? What if I got stuck again?

Questions, over and over again.

A big chunk of scone still linger. I look up to the ceiling and notice how old this restaurant is. Wooden tiles painted in white with bars of dark brown wood lining along it. Wooden doors and windows tiled with glasses. A Malaysian 80s songs playing in the background. The waitress dressed in light brown uniform tidying her hair in front of a cupboard paneled with mirrors.

My mouth feels very sweet. I don’t feel like finishing my scone anymore. But I can’t finish this post if I don’t finish the scone. Why the rule I’m not sure. But I saw cars passing through and I don’t feel like sitting here anymore. I wan’t to get out of here.

But I need to finish my scone. I need to finish this post.

At this point of time, what would you be thinking if you’re reading up to this point? Are you bored? Are you wondering how will it end? Are you angry?

Let’s start to think about how to end this one. I need a conclusion. But nothing to be concluded, really. It’s a nice place, and I gotta start writing that damn story I’ve supposed to finish ages ago.

I bet, this is the end of this post. Stay tuned for more awesome shits to come.

Well, not yet. Some kids were just screaming as I was proofreading this post. I bet that’s really worth mentioning. And now I heard birds singing as well. I bet it will never end either.

I finished my scones.

Melbourne day 6: Colors

The reason I hate law is because it doesn’t make sense. But being in a country where laws actually make sense makes me happy. There is no crappy reasons for not having bacons because the majority is Muslim so that they can call us racist when we go to places that sell pork.

There are colors of hairs, black, brown, orangy, blond, chocolaty, many…

There are colors of the sea, the sky , the sun and the beach. Blue, yellow, another yellow and another blue. And the green grass and the gray road.

Then comes the color of the night, black, gray and yellowish tungsten lights on buildings. White, pink, goldish and purple.

image

So this is how it feels to be heated under the burning coals on the ceiling in the cold windy night. As people are dinning and talking while I’m writing to some unknown readers.

It feels lonely and creepy, but also it smells of freedom and creativity. The color of live sparked out from nowhere and made the biggest crap out of it. The color of Melbourne in the cool summer night.

The caveman’s bedtime story

Once upon a time, there was a girl who lived with her parents and brothers in a cave. She was brave and strong, and also filled with curiosity. One day she journeyed far away from her cave following the trail of a wild beautiful animal that she’s never seen before. Her curiosity is so blinding that she’s forgotten about the time. When she look up upon the sky, she saw the sun had almost disappeared into the western sky, so she decided to ran back to her cave. But before she know it, the sun had completely disappeared and there was no moon that night, darkness is all there were. She can’t find her way home, but she notice something else that is so beautiful, the sky, the clear night sky full of stars. So beautiful that she thought she might just lay there and sleep through the night despite the cold that is filling her world. And suddenly, a wild dinosaur appeared and it attacked the strong brave girl. And she died.

And everybody died.

The story above is inspired by the movie “The Croods”

Cast the “WHAT”?

I really don’t understand today’s daily prompt. Cast the movie of your life? What does it mean?

Anyway, let’s start from the answer for the riddle from my previous post. If you fell from 2nd floor, there will be a bump sound (BOOM) first before you scream out loud “ARGGGGHHHH”. However, if you fell from the 20th floor, you will scream out loud “ARGGGGGHHHH” first for a couple of seconds before the bump sound  (BOOM).

I hope you understand my joke. Let’s get back to the topic. So, I’m not sure if I’m doing this right, but what I understand is that you want me to cast the actors/actresses that will be playing a movie about my life. So, here goes the list.

  • Me – Ryan Reynold
  • My mom – Maggie Smith
  • My Dad – Michael Caine
  • My Sisters (6 of them) : Jennifer Aniston, Kate Winslet, Reese Witherspoon, Marion Cotillard, Mélanie Laurent and Kaley Cuoco
  • My Brother in laws : Zach Galifianakis, Seth Rogen and Ben Stiller.
  • My Nieces and Nephews (8 of them): Some random kids from the street of Hollywood will do.

And the story of the movie will be about us living in a big big house in a planet of Jorrk where we are the only survivors. And suddenly, a meteor crashes into this planet far away from our house and the planet started to fall apart. At the end, (!!SPOILER ALERT!!) everyone dies. EVERYONE!!

Look Shadow Tree

First step: empty my mind.

Next, count one, two, three and say “START”

Then, start listing out the 10 random words… Ohh… I’m so liking the randomness of today’s Daily Prompt.

  1. Sick
  2. Bastard
  3. Dog
  4. Pool
  5. Enter
  6. Look
  7. terror
  8. shadow
  9. noodles
  10. tree

There I go, 10 words, now pick 3, in random of course (note to self: it’s a good idea for app). Look Shadow Tree. And, we have the title. Hoooray…

So, in my backyard of my childhood house, there is a big big tree. I don’t know what tree it was, but it’s like the one you see in the movie where there is nothing else in the field except this big tree. It’s about 15 meters tall and quite fat. The nearest branch from the ground is about 3 meters high. And that’s why I’ve never climbed that tree before.

I like to sit under that tree alone. Fantasizing all sort of things from flying burning frog to a laser shooting boomerang. That was my favorite place. I sometime spend my whole afternoon there. And sometime I bring a friend or two. But most of the time, I am alone.

One day, I have to leave for college. Though I still hang out alone a lot, I can’t find the same place like under the shadow of that tree. It is so different out here. Especially when you have nothing to escape from anymore. You are pretty much all alone all the time. But that lonely time is sometime boring. Not as awesome as the tree’s shadow anymore.

And this story is all made up. It’s one of my fantasy, of course. So does most of the posts on this blog. But what are fictions but a twisted true story. All these story has a root story it’s based on. For the story above, it wasn’t a big tree. It was a swinging hammock in my mom’s garden. A little bit of salt here and pepper there, the story is made. Just like I wanted it to be.

Check out my new series called the One Way Ticket to Mars which I’ve planned for long time and finally got the courage to post the first installment of it. Hope you enjoy it.

Let’s do some diggings

Let’s look back, and look forward. What have I’ve achieved? what have I’ve done? what is next?

Reading my own About page makes me think that my goal is quite simple. There is no much goal that I’ve set other than to write stuffs suggested by the Daily Post. I think I’ve done well in this. Although I  don’t write everyday, but so far, I am satisfied by most of the Daily Post’s suggestions. I think Daily Post is a really great way for me to keep writing, and so I will.

Reading the title of this blog makes me smile. I like the way it reflects how random this blog has been. There are so many different topics and stories. And I would like to keep it this way. But in some way I feel that I write a lot about the meaning of life and my perspective about life. I don’t know if this will finally get narrowed down into this particular topic.

In other hand, instead of me setting a goal for this blog, this blog had gave me a goal to complete. Other than the daily random posts, I sometimes write very personal subjects. For example just few hour ago I published my experience of finding out that I have some herniated spinal disks. This is not just a goal. But this blog has given me a new platform where I can express myself in a freer and more comprehensive way. Since I’ve been writing here, I update my facebook or twitter less often.

So, where am I going from here? I will keep doing what I’ve been doing. In addition to that, I really want to write some fictions which I’ve been planning for months now. I really hope that I will be able to start publishing them soon. That will be my next goal, then.

Post Movie Depression Syndrome

I believe I’ve already answered the Million-Dollar question about why I blog. If you want to know, you got to browse through the other blog posts and read for yourself.

However, since I’ve already got your little attention here, let’s talk about something else. Let’s talk about things that I love to talk the most. Things around human life.

As you should probably have known that I spent my weekend watching a lot of movies. A lot of them. And you should also know about Post Movie Depression because I was really depressed this Monday morning.

Post Movie Depression Syndrome is a situation when you feel really depressed after watching some particular good movie. Doesn’t matter if it’s sad of happy, good or bad. If you feel depressed after watching a movie, you are probably having that so called syndrome.

Post Movie Depression Syndrome is not really documented as a medical term yet, but It gets its popularity during the time of Avatar. If you Google about it, you will find cases about people committing suicide after watching Avatar. The main reason for the depression is that the fictional world of Pandora is way too beautiful and that there is no where on Earth that can match it, hence the audience feels sad because they will never experience it in real life.

From my observation, the type of movies that trigger depression in me are those that involved elder brother showing unconditional love to his younger brother. Of course there are other types that trigger depression as well, but brotherly love is one immensely effective one. And my guess is that it’s because I will never have an elder brother. I’ve had a very close to a brother for a while when I was young. My cousin used to visit me for weeks and we were very close. When he left, I felt depressed for few days. So, it probably has something to do with nostalgia as well.

Movies often show impossible things. Impossible happy ending love stories, impossible future technologies, impossible and ridiculous past. However, there are some movies that have something that you do care about but you’ll never have. Those will strike you down to the ground.

So, another Million-dollar question, what is your depression triggerer movie?